Confused and Ashamed
I Had My First Orgasm While Being Gang Raped!
By
“Courtney”
My
father emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I moved out at the age
of seventeen, hoping to escape all the pain, only to find out that it would
follow me. My psyche and boundaries were very damaged and I did not realize
that because of my upbringing and appearance I attracted sexual predators.
After
marrying at age twenty-one, I discovered my husband was a porn addict. So great
was his sexual perversity and infidelity that I was at a loss to know what to
do to save my marriage. Finally, after five years of marriage, I sought
counseling from my church pastor. I had no idea that this man had a history of
being a sexual predator. He had been moved from church to church after each
report of sexual abuse but no other action was taken, nor was the new
congregation warned.
After
several counseling sessions he gained my trust. He was twenty years older than
me and not only did I look up to him as my pastor, but as a father figure. In
hopes of finding healing I told him all about my failing marriage and the abuse
I had endured as a child. He took a keen interest in me that made me feel
special. I really thought he cared and wanted to help me. His acts of kindness
convinced me that I had found a father figure I could trust and who would help
me save my marriage and work through my past abuse.
One
day he phoned, asking if I could meet him at a nearby restaurant for our
counseling session that evening as he could not make it to the church office in
time for our scheduled meeting. Without suspecting a thing, I agreed.
When
he finally arrived at the restaurant he said he needed to visit a church member
in the hospital. He asked, if it wasn’t too much trouble, if I would accompany
him so we could talk as he drove. I thought it a bit odd, but I trusted him and
thought he was being very kind to visit someone in hospital so late at night.
We drove off. He eventually pulled into a hotel parking lot, saying he needed
to get something from a family member of the person in hospital to take with
us. He asked me to accompany him to the room, as he was worried about leaving
me in the parking lot alone. I naively went with him.
We
got to the hotel room and to my surprise he had a key and opened the door. He
went inside and I followed. Once inside he began kissing me. Shocked and
terribly confused, I pushed him away and told him I didn’t understand. He said
he was in love with me and had been waiting to tell me. He told me he thought I
was the most beautiful woman he ever had seen and that he wanted to make love to
me.
I
was stunned. I told him I could not do that as I was married and did not have
the same feelings towards him. This seemed to make him angry and he became more
forceful. Why I did not run out of the room I am not sure. Part of me felt
immobilized. I felt obligated to stay and talk him down. After all I did not
want to hurt his feelings!
I
kept physically fighting him off and telling him that though I respected him as
my pastor and as a father figure I wanted him to stop. He pushed me, tore my
clothes and raped me. The ugly event seemed to last forever. It was as if I
mentally checked out. I remember that it hurt, that I was crying and that he
was calling me names like whore and slut and saying many derogatory things
about me. As he was violating me there was a knock on the door. Apparently he
had this whole thing planned and had invited others to join him. He let four
strangers into the room, who all took their turn raping me. They raped me both
anally and vaginally. The pain was incredible as they were very rough and
forceful. After what seemed like forever I blacked out. I remember the pastor
shaking me hard and slapping me across the face. He then shoved down my throat
ten or so Excedrin (a medicinal mixture of pain killer and caffeine) so that I
would stay awake.
One
of the most disturbing things that happened that night is that I had an orgasm.
Despite years of marriage, it was my first orgasm ever. It really confused me.
I thought some part of me must be mentally sick to have experienced the pleasure
of an orgasm during this horrific trauma. My only conclusion was that there was
something terribly perverted and wrong with me.
Only
now am I discovering that I had completely misunderstood my bodily reaction to
such prolonged simulation. At the time, I did not realize that the feeling was
a physical response rather than a mental one. And I was only vaguely aware that
my inability to escape when the assault began was a reaction to being
programmed by abuse during my formative years. In my panic, the part of me that
was used to being a victim, took over. Moreover, the transformation of this man
from respected authority figure to monster was so sudden and I was in such
shock that my mind had not had the time to process this completely unexpected
side of him. So part of me still highly esteemed him and did not want to offend
him. Not realizing the cause of my physical and emotional reaction to severe
trauma, I concluded that I was evil and that God would not want me. I gave up
on God and on myself for years to come. I was so dead inside and so disgusted
with myself that for four years I continued to do anything that pastor
demanded, including prostitution and professional stripping.
The
wonderful news is that God brought me out of that situation and is now doing a
miraculous work of healing me spiritually, mentally and physically. He never
gives up on us even when we give up on him!
Infinitely
Better Proof of Innocence
As
comforting as “Courtney’s” testimony might be, there is an infinitely superior
way to establish one’s innocence.
To
cling to the fact you were just a child or were forced, or whatever, is like
shivering in the pouring rain, huddling under an old, leaky umbrella that
threatens to rip to shreds in the next gust of wind, when you could immediately
trade that umbrella for a warmth and luxury of a magnificent palace. That’s the
magnitude of what is available to you.
“No
one is perfect,” we glibly say. It is equally true that no one on this planet
is innocent – outside of God. But the staggering truth is that no one has to
remain outside of God.
When God’s Son became the only truly innocent human
and swapped places with us on the cross, taking upon himself the full
punishment for every sin any human has ever committed, something of stupendous
significance occurred. Through Jesus we can connect with the infinitely Holy
God and instantly gain the innocence and moral perfection of God himself. Then
we can truly look ourselves in the mirror and know that we are not merely no
worse than most other respectable sinners, but we are totally innocent, crystal
pure, outshining any virgin who is outside of Christ.
I
beg you to explore this in depth because it is the most liberating, healing and
life-transforming truth in the universe. To discover this empowering truth of
eternal significance, please read A Life Transformed. (Part of a larger
webpage called “Cure for Self-Hate” but deserves a much wider audience than
that title suggests.)
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